a pause in the heartbeat of time.

we all have those moments in life where there's a stillness...
a complete, unasked for, inescapable pin-drop silence that resounds...
where nothing in your life seems tangible, where nothing you were sure about seems quite so certain.

and when you find yourself in those little still pools, moments where you are forced to just be, sit in the middle of a room and face the fact that these four walls are all you can be really sure about...
then, then there's no space for anything but you and your thoughts.

a pause in the heartbeat of time,
with nothing to do,
no one to be.

look back on everything that was and look forward to everything that could be, that should be...

i don't know what i want.
usually i'm good at keeping in tune with the fact that i've changed, but i've slipped up a bit this time.
death has changed me. being confronted with the evidence of my weaknesses has changed me. the sudden realization of time running out, having been wasted, having to be made up, has changed me. a friend lost and a friend gained.

maybe i do know what i want.

its simple, really.
i want my goals, i want to be good, and i want to be happy with myself again.
i want to be there for the people i love.
that's all.

i want you - cinematic razor sharp
i've missed you.
missed the smiles, the laughter, history quizzes...the music.

i want you - my best friend. i wish i could relive march 24th. there's so much i wanted to do.

i've tried being cynical.
i've tried saying i just don't have enough to give.
frankly, it sucks. its practical. its logical.
and it makes me utterly miserable.

not only that, it hurts people that i can't bear hurting.

i give up and give in, look for forgiveness.