name that tune!

the one in the address of my blog; starts with the lyrics no i would not sleep...
sans google (and other forms of outside help), if you please.

oh, and while i'm at it - let me make a shameless plug for www.howtodoitwrong.blogspot.com. it could do with a bit of readership. =)
--

i walk home alone with you
in the mood you're born into
sometimes you let me in
and i take it on the chin
i can't get clean again...
i want to know,
can we get clean again?

--

currently: barefoot, sleepy, wistful, slightly restless

i know why the caged bird sings

the door slammed shut, the noise ringing long after the finality of the action was driven home.

she stood shivering just inches inside the room, her bare feet soaking in the biting cold and carrying it to her arms and legs. barely still, as her emotions spun, chaotic. fear. anger. disbelief. hope. it was this last that made her turn around to look at the door once more. but the door remained in reality, unswayed by the fleeting hopes of the human heart. back was not an option.

so,
forward.
white, white - all around her white. white walls, and floors, white ceiling; pale glass at the windows, frosted from the winter cold. outside - snow, and clouds - frozen white.

the first hours were the hardest. she walked around the edge of the room, pacing at first, then slower and slower, but her mind refused the message, the thoughts racing - her heart beating furiously in her chest. plan after plan - escape, acceptance, revenge - made and inevitably tossed away.

when she sat down, her back against the wall - not in a corner, for no corners of comfort existed in this cold, circular, white room - it was resignation. sinking, cold. when she leapt up again to walk to the window and press her nose against the frosted glass it was - she didn't know what it was. or why she did it, just that she must. when she turned away from that window, it was despair. pure and simple, cutting.

when she wept, it was tears of glass - crystal, clear. fragile they were born, and fragile they fell - shattering silently against the polished floorboards. released, they lay - tiny gleaming, colorless pools reflecting the emptiness of the room.

the days, or perhaps they were hours, she couldn't know - passed. she cursed herself, her thoughts which let her be, deceptively silent in sleep, and tore at her, making up twice over for every second she was awake. she cursed the daylight for an unwelcome companion during the day, forcing her to face herself, and cursed it for abandoning her at night. she slept, she woke, she thought, she felt, she screamed, she slept.

then came an hour, a minute -
perhaps early morning, or afternoon or late evening,
she had lost track - the measurement meaningless.

suddenly, a precise point in time which slowed, and slipped into eternity. she treasured the silence, the stillness of the space in between each heartbeat. freedom, felt in the loss of time. unfettered. everything was of importance, and yet, nothing was. nothing at all.

and so in that moment she stood, in the center of the white room, painting pictures with her mind before the sound of a beat leapt up to wipe them clean. every picture painted in total clarity. again, and again - create, erase, create - listening, painting, feeling, shivering, entranced.

walking forward, she lifted her hands - cautiously, hesitant - to rest them against the walls.

when she breathed in - sharply, shallow - her breath drew comfort from the air, the pain reminding her of existence and realities, of fear and heartbreak, tangible and inescapable. with her fingers she traced designs on the smooth surfaces around her, her eyes closed and her mind free.

picking up a brush, she dipped it in paint and began - blues and greens, cold, cool, and warm. cerulean skies and indigo seas, dancing girls with sea-green hair and bright blue eyes. stars and silver, spun into pictures of hope and dreaming, wistful, ecstatic. gold and cream, buttercup yellows and molten oranges, shimmering, sunlight and sunsets, beautiful melodies and lazy summer days.

slowly, she painted the world onto the walls, her eyes closed, the brush held light in her hands. smiling, swaying to the music of a thousand orchestras, lilting strings and haunting harmonies - browns and golds, sepia, amber-bright, autumn breezes and children's laughter - she painted happiness and love, smiles, bright.

quickly, she painted, and at times the colors faded, lost their life - slipped into sorrow and loss, shadows. and in her mind, the music became louder - a slow crescendo - greys and whites and pale blues became darker, deeper, black, purples and reds; anger, fury, hate, screams, despair - she painted them out furiously onto her canvas, faster and faster. her brush became a blur as it spat out turmoil in a hundred shades red and grey. harder, faster, until she grew tired, until she painted it all out, laid it down on the walls around her - until, inside her, there was nothing but stillness.

acceptance.
slowly she stepped back, and slowly she opened her eyes.

white. emptiness. the walls wiped clean.
her hands, empty. no traces of paint.
her thoughts, empty. no traces of feeling.
finally at one with the surroundings.

in the center of the room, she stood in silence.
the infinite moment passed,
and she lay down on the cold, smooth floor,
closed her eyes,
and slept.

for the one who knows what i'm talking about.

do you feel like i do, tired of everything?

can you feel what i can, almost everything?

i want to leave today

the sky is big and my life is small

i want to leave with you...

a pause in the heartbeat of time.

we all have those moments in life where there's a stillness...
a complete, unasked for, inescapable pin-drop silence that resounds...
where nothing in your life seems tangible, where nothing you were sure about seems quite so certain.

and when you find yourself in those little still pools, moments where you are forced to just be, sit in the middle of a room and face the fact that these four walls are all you can be really sure about...
then, then there's no space for anything but you and your thoughts.

a pause in the heartbeat of time,
with nothing to do,
no one to be.

look back on everything that was and look forward to everything that could be, that should be...

i don't know what i want.
usually i'm good at keeping in tune with the fact that i've changed, but i've slipped up a bit this time.
death has changed me. being confronted with the evidence of my weaknesses has changed me. the sudden realization of time running out, having been wasted, having to be made up, has changed me. a friend lost and a friend gained.

maybe i do know what i want.

its simple, really.
i want my goals, i want to be good, and i want to be happy with myself again.
i want to be there for the people i love.
that's all.

i want you - cinematic razor sharp
i've missed you.
missed the smiles, the laughter, history quizzes...the music.

i want you - my best friend. i wish i could relive march 24th. there's so much i wanted to do.

i've tried being cynical.
i've tried saying i just don't have enough to give.
frankly, it sucks. its practical. its logical.
and it makes me utterly miserable.

not only that, it hurts people that i can't bear hurting.

i give up and give in, look for forgiveness.

happy birthday

fathers, be good to your daughters
for daughters will love like you do...

i can only hope i'll make someone else that lucky.

you're the best, papa.
i love you.
happy birthday.

the v factor

for people who know who they are.

--

v - you're doll. the only person i would let read my diary front to back and not be worried it has anything she wouldn't already know. considering how private i am with my thoughts, its stunning to me that i can say that. you're my best friend. crazy; spontaneous but at the same time, so so very not. incredibly mature - so much so you can ask yourself to be naive. the bravest and most vibrant person i know. to me your face is an open book and you lie very badly, especially when you're forcing yourself to be noble. give it up already =). you've got a capacity to be completely honest with yourself in a way i've never seen before. it means you're often harder on yourself than anyone else would be. but thats okay. to make up for all that, we have the princess shoes. the princess creams. and The Executive Chair. =) you love yourself more than anyone else i know. and that in no way carries any negative connotation. i think its incredibly beautiful. dancer, free spirit. you might not know it, but you made me love dancing again and its something i can't repay - getting that little nudge to having the courage to let go. infj? i think a lot of it might be a product of how me and you has made me grow. not in obvious, dramatic ways. just slowly. don't need to get into what you mean to me. you know. we built it, and it'll last.

v - you're my rock. being with you and talking to you is incredibly comfortable. i probably don't know as many details about your past as i should after 2 years, but it doesn't make me feel like i know you any less. (though i'd like to know more...but know that even casual mentions, hints don't slip past my cognition. i remember everything you've ever told me. hehe is that a bit ominous?) i like that we sit around and laze, not talking. thats something you can't do with many people. i like that once in a while we can share outrageous things with each other and neither of us will blink an eye...it'll be accepted, sink into the flow...in a few seconds everything is as lethargic and normal as ever. i can't do that with anyone else. there's bonds between us that aren't tangible because they're not built on anything dramatic or huge. running in the mornings. motivation. puppies. cleaning up poop. going to the mess. sunday pamper sessions. yelling at bank managers. skinny jeans. a bit of music. you and me, we're founded on the normal. but its a foundation that underlies everything i do.

c - you're not a v person. i don't know how that happened. but bloody hell, i'm not letting you go. you're the person i count on most. i've complained that sometimes i feel like i'm on a pedestal and i'm so afraid of falling. i've shouted at you that i'm only human, so give me a break already. but to me, you're something above the day-to-day. you're going to blaze a trail through life and people will watch in wonder. because you are truly amazing. talented beyond words. singer. writer. painter. poet. philosopher. activist. dreamer. idealist. cynic. the one who solves my problems. the one who listens to me whine. the one who keeps me in line. the one who sees the worst in me and isn't afraid to say it. the one i know loves me unconditionally despite being able to see all that. ours is a funny friendship (is that even the word?), built on something that isn't quite logical. the power you have when it comes to me is astonishing; even i don't really understand it. you can make me doubt myself. you can make me cry where no one else can. you can make me, the person who doesn't believe in anger, furious. furious to the point of screaming 'fuck you' and storming away, leaving you standing in the middle of the road. you can make me feel like a complete idiot. but you also make me feel beautiful and treasured. like someone special, luminous. somehow, somewhere, you believe in me. smiling at you makes me feel happy. and when i smile at you, it is always real. don't forget.

v - you're a little four-legged critter that came as a complete surprise entry into my life. you're a little nightmare. you exhaust me. you frustrate me. you've shown me that i have stunning amounts of patience because no matter what you do, i can never be mad at you. i've cried for you. i've bled for you. i'm full of holes (and no, they are not pores). i'm full of love. i love you so much - you're my little munchkin pot. and now you're family.

v - i almost don't know what to say. what you are to me is everything perfect and inexplicable and right all rolled into one. beyond any expectations i ever had of anything in my life. cinematic razor sharp. you light everything up - being with you, talking to you, it feels like home. i know this isn't a masculine term (so forgive me in advance) but to me, you're beautiful. i think everything about you, everything you are, is beautiful. i never thought i'd say this to anyone, any boy or any man, but - i'm yours. you can have everything i am. because i want to share it with you. because i want to set the world on fire with you.

--

all of you make me who i am. you're the ones i love.

"clarity"

i had a dream where you
were lying down next to me on the bed
i felt your breath on my ear
and i was shivering
in the silence my heart hung
on every word you'd ever said
and i could feel you in every thought
that had ever run through my head
and in that moment of clarity it all made sense
that there was nothing beyond this
that ever made sense
only me and you
and this pain we embrace
a pain that is torture
and a sweeter grace
so when the world ends
and we're lying in bed
then only me and you, love
only me and you
will have ever made sense.

"if you"

do you know...

there's a boy who is
so much more than a man
and he lingers in my heart
and hell, he knows he can
he makes me want to stay
in his arms and under his hands
lost in his touch, until
it is more than i can stand

and in my mind, love
i've got to say there's no explanation
for you making me feel the way i do
but well i don't mind love
that i've got no hesitation
in loving you the way i do

...honey, if you
feel this
i know
its crazy to think
of letting it go
darling, if you
taste me
i'm addicted
touch me, drive me
out of control
if you
laid me down
and burned my soul
i'd toss and turn
beg for more
so give me more
just give me more
than i can stand
so love, if you
feel me
like i,
like i feel you
don't be letting this go

and there's a boy
who makes me warm
on cold winter days
coz when the breeze swings my hair
pushes it against my face
i think of his smile
and it brightens the day
i hear his voice in my ear
like he's right there
a little closer than
so far away..

well in this mind, love
i've got to say there's no explanation
for you making me feel the way i do
but well i don't mind love
that i've got no hesitation
in loving you the way i do

because
if you feel me
like i, like i feel you
oh

...honey, if you
feel this
i know
its crazy to think
of letting it go
darling, if you
touch me
i'm addicted
taste me, drive me
out of control
go slow
mm so slow
but only if you're
going to give me more
give me more
than i can stand
til we can't stand

...and, if you
feel that
i know
forever is not enough
for me and you love
because when i
i feel that
i know
forever is not enough
when its me and you love

<3