it means more to me than...

my passion in life has always been music...

one of my earliest memories is that of my grandfather teaching me to sing a nursery rhyme in malayalam; i still have it recorded on cassette - its one of my most treasured possessions, right up there with my acoustic guitar rosita.

as a child i remember singing incesseantly, sitting behind my dad in the car as we drove through down-town Philly on shivery cold winter nights. it was invariably a christmas carol stuck in my head, or one of the many songs i had learned in chorus or music class. my dad was always the most patient listener, and the feeling his encouraging, albeit slightly distracted, praise gave me is still with me today.

listening to music could always enthrall me for hours on end - i'd just revel in the perfect change of key, the movement from major to minor, the sweetest harmony, the heartbreakingly haunting melody - all of these had the power to move me like nothing else. i could pick apart songs and the experience of listening as the pieces came together, blended and fell into this incredible tapestry of notes and rhythms and patterns was, and still is, utterly indescribable. a lot of people like to listen to music, but this was always something deeper for me - when i've tried to tell others, most don't understand. it sounds cliched but its like i'm one with the music, like i'm part of it, not an observer standing and looking, but rather an integral part of that tapestry, woven into it. i'm an agnostic, but maybe thats because i already have my fix of religious experience...

i wrote my first song when i was 7, and it was improv. i sat in the back of the car one day and told my dad there was a new song i had learned in school today...and proceeded to sing for half an hour about sesame street. he was very supportive (though not fooled for a second, i'm sure) and the thrill i felt that my song, my creation, was good enough to be passed of as something learned in a real class, shook me to my bones. i squirmed and giggled in the backseat, having discovered something new to music, something even apart from singing. that i could write songs, put more of myself into it, have a deeper connection with the music.

my first love when it came to instruments was the flute. it was something i had a natural talent for, despite the fact that at 9 my fingers were too small to reach all the keys properly. i just kept playing and playing, and for me practicing never felt like practice...it was just pure joy. by the time i was 12 i was far-advanced for my years - never a prodigy, mind you, but talented neverthless. first chair was mine, so was district and state level orchestra.

and for this reason, playing the flute in band and orchestra, western classical will always have a special place in my heart - beethoven, motzart, bach, chopin, debussey, devienne...they are talent the like of which the world will never see again, genius that can never be reproduced. when you finish playing one of their pieces, you enjoy every bar but you also get the sense of a vision, an overall picture that you could never have imagined until you experienced it the way they wanted you to.

when i was 13, i auditioned for my school's jazz ensemble. jazz is an artform like no other, wilder and more free than everything that preceded it...it requires a feel for music that no one can give you, it just has to be in your soul...when you play something like scott joplin's the entertainer, when you get to the end of a measure, its almost like the improv solo is no work...your mind doesn't work, your fingers just move, and what comes out is what is just right...no explanation or understanding needed.

at the same time, around the age of 9, i discovered pop music, courtesy of an uncle that knew little girls needed britney spears, backstreet boys and nsync...from there i discovered the radio...and slowly my musical tastes evolved and became more diverse...pop to soft rock to rock. i wrote sappy love songs that, when i look back at them now, make me want to vomit =)

the cd that changed my life was "yourself or someone like you" by matchbox twenty. i still maintain that rob thomas is one of the most naturally talented songwriters in the world. capturing raw emotion with lyric and melody is something no one else can do quite like him. i started to write songs about my life (a more than usually horrid home situation and a lot of teenage angst and self-pity helps here) and they meant more to me than anything had in my whole 12 years of existence...i'd finally found a way to deal with my emotions, get them out on paper and into a melody...and i knew then that this was what i wanted to do with my life.

...i started to record myself singing and the first time i played my own voice back i cried. it was truly horrible, no other word for it. so i sang and i sang - through classes, on buses, through sore throats, at night, on the streets, in subways. i'd sing the same song 50 times in a row until it was perfect. i developed my ear and my voice and started to feel the music when i sang...this is the only thing in my whole life i've had a boundless supply of patience for.

my friends (the most amazing in the world, without whom i'd never have got through those years and emerged remotely sane) got me an acoustic guitar for my 13th birthday. i'm pretty sure that was the happiest day of my life. i taught myself to play and it got easier to write songs. before, the only obstacle i'd found it impossible to surmount was that you couldn't sing and play flute at the same time. but now i played for hours, until my fingers blistered and cut and bled.

every free waking hour was spent listening to music or singing or playing guitar/flute or writing. i fronted a band, sang on streets for money, played some gigs, shows and concerts, was a weirdly nerdy, snotty little punk who'd sit backstage in all black, converse, and tons of black eyeliner, waiting to go on stage, and read plato or listen to backstreet boys. 90% of the people there were busy being cool but all i cared about was the music. i've mellowed out of that goth look a whole lot, but the feeling i get when i perform has never changed. i'm pretty shy in person, not very outgoing unless i'm around certain people or in certain moods. i've never had stage fright because when i perform, i lose myself. still, in the earlier days, my voice would shake when i sang in front of others because it was so damn important to me, i couldn't bear the thought of it not being received well.

but now i don't care...i've grown up and grown more confident. my musical tastes have expanded as i've become more openminded...i can listen and appreciate almost any song, the emotion, the skill, and the thought behind it. but rock is still the music of my heart and music itself is still is the most powerful force i've encountered. it can make me dance, it can make me cry, it can make shiver, it can make me lose myself in it like nothing else can. given any situation, any emotion, i could probably express myself best with a song. my love letters can be played on an ipod, and i think if i really fell in love, i'd sing for that person and it would be the most perfect thing in the world.

all i know is...i can't imagine my life without music, and this is what i want to do with my life. i maybe a law student, i may even be a lawyer in a few years...but in my heart, and one day in reality, i will always be an artist- because thats what musicians are, artists of the purest form of art ever created.