for the one who knows what i'm talking about.

do you feel like i do, tired of everything?

can you feel what i can, almost everything?

i want to leave today

the sky is big and my life is small

i want to leave with you...

a pause in the heartbeat of time.

we all have those moments in life where there's a stillness...
a complete, unasked for, inescapable pin-drop silence that resounds...
where nothing in your life seems tangible, where nothing you were sure about seems quite so certain.

and when you find yourself in those little still pools, moments where you are forced to just be, sit in the middle of a room and face the fact that these four walls are all you can be really sure about...
then, then there's no space for anything but you and your thoughts.

a pause in the heartbeat of time,
with nothing to do,
no one to be.

look back on everything that was and look forward to everything that could be, that should be...

i don't know what i want.
usually i'm good at keeping in tune with the fact that i've changed, but i've slipped up a bit this time.
death has changed me. being confronted with the evidence of my weaknesses has changed me. the sudden realization of time running out, having been wasted, having to be made up, has changed me. a friend lost and a friend gained.

maybe i do know what i want.

its simple, really.
i want my goals, i want to be good, and i want to be happy with myself again.
i want to be there for the people i love.
that's all.

i want you - cinematic razor sharp
i've missed you.
missed the smiles, the laughter, history quizzes...the music.

i want you - my best friend. i wish i could relive march 24th. there's so much i wanted to do.

i've tried being cynical.
i've tried saying i just don't have enough to give.
frankly, it sucks. its practical. its logical.
and it makes me utterly miserable.

not only that, it hurts people that i can't bear hurting.

i give up and give in, look for forgiveness.

"clarity"

i had a dream where you
were lying down next to me on the bed
i felt your breath on my ear
and i was shivering
in the silence my heart hung
on every word you'd ever said
and i could feel you in every thought
that had ever run through my head
and in that moment of clarity it all made sense
that there was nothing beyond this
that ever made sense
only me and you
and this pain we embrace
a pain that is torture
and a sweeter grace
so when the world ends
and we're lying in bed
then only me and you, love
only me and you
will have ever made sense.

"if you"

do you know...

there's a boy who is
so much more than a man
and he lingers in my heart
and hell, he knows he can
he makes me want to stay
in his arms and under his hands
lost in his touch, until
it is more than i can stand

and in my mind, love
i've got to say there's no explanation
for you making me feel the way i do
but well i don't mind love
that i've got no hesitation
in loving you the way i do

...honey, if you
feel this
i know
its crazy to think
of letting it go
darling, if you
taste me
i'm addicted
touch me, drive me
out of control
if you
laid me down
and burned my soul
i'd toss and turn
beg for more
so give me more
just give me more
than i can stand
so love, if you
feel me
like i,
like i feel you
don't be letting this go

and there's a boy
who makes me warm
on cold winter days
coz when the breeze swings my hair
pushes it against my face
i think of his smile
and it brightens the day
i hear his voice in my ear
like he's right there
a little closer than
so far away..

well in this mind, love
i've got to say there's no explanation
for you making me feel the way i do
but well i don't mind love
that i've got no hesitation
in loving you the way i do

because
if you feel me
like i, like i feel you
oh

...honey, if you
feel this
i know
its crazy to think
of letting it go
darling, if you
touch me
i'm addicted
taste me, drive me
out of control
go slow
mm so slow
but only if you're
going to give me more
give me more
than i can stand
til we can't stand

...and, if you
feel that
i know
forever is not enough
for me and you love
because when i
i feel that
i know
forever is not enough
when its me and you love

<3

just a ride...

i'm goin to dash off a post while i still can...in between the cleaning of the room (which is just a giant excuse to listen to music really loudly, dance around and sing at the top of my lungs) and univ starting tomorrow...so therefore i'm going to cheat. slightly readymade post, like one of those instant mix cakes or cookies...i'm not starting from scratch - i'm goin to quote a song which seems appropriate for how i'm feeling right now.

"Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out then BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course

and then you
Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me

Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride... "

----

i'm not sure whats going on. this is a place i have never been, or at least something i haven't even come close to in years...

its amazing, horrifying, scary, wonderfully exciting...a roller coaster ride...complete with butterflies in your stomach.

and i really don't know what to think. for the first time in a long time...

in other news, someone sat on top of me on the train. then i sat on a suitcase for hours. it was cold. my ipod died. i slept clutching Happy. fell off the suitcase in my sleep a couple of times. at which point some nice military guys gave me another suitcase. and a shawl. adventure all the way. =)

also, we apparently now are going to a five star resort for our education rather than a national law university...as if amazing single rooms weren't enough, we now have 7 places in/right outside campus catering to our culinary desires...including outdoor tandoori cooking, gazebos, flowers, 2 caterers in the mess (with food that is even better than before - and it was already pretty damn good), and a tuck shop with 10pm-8am food delivery in hostel =) no more hungry running up and down the halls askin for food...

v (yes, one of the "v" people in my life, no points for guessing who) just got in touch...that was very very random. and well..okay. don't know what to think. don't particularily care it appears. there are no hard feelings left because there never were many strong feelings there in the first place...

doll will be here in 10 minutes!!! =)

here's to that! cheers....

--------edit---------

dec.27

i've been thinking. and i know what i think now. its one of those things that are inexplicably amazing - you've just gotta accept whatever it is and let it be. what is, is. be happy...coz i'm happy. =)