the v factor

for people who know who they are.

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v - you're doll. the only person i would let read my diary front to back and not be worried it has anything she wouldn't already know. considering how private i am with my thoughts, its stunning to me that i can say that. you're my best friend. crazy; spontaneous but at the same time, so so very not. incredibly mature - so much so you can ask yourself to be naive. the bravest and most vibrant person i know. to me your face is an open book and you lie very badly, especially when you're forcing yourself to be noble. give it up already =). you've got a capacity to be completely honest with yourself in a way i've never seen before. it means you're often harder on yourself than anyone else would be. but thats okay. to make up for all that, we have the princess shoes. the princess creams. and The Executive Chair. =) you love yourself more than anyone else i know. and that in no way carries any negative connotation. i think its incredibly beautiful. dancer, free spirit. you might not know it, but you made me love dancing again and its something i can't repay - getting that little nudge to having the courage to let go. infj? i think a lot of it might be a product of how me and you has made me grow. not in obvious, dramatic ways. just slowly. don't need to get into what you mean to me. you know. we built it, and it'll last.

v - you're my rock. being with you and talking to you is incredibly comfortable. i probably don't know as many details about your past as i should after 2 years, but it doesn't make me feel like i know you any less. (though i'd like to know more...but know that even casual mentions, hints don't slip past my cognition. i remember everything you've ever told me. hehe is that a bit ominous?) i like that we sit around and laze, not talking. thats something you can't do with many people. i like that once in a while we can share outrageous things with each other and neither of us will blink an eye...it'll be accepted, sink into the flow...in a few seconds everything is as lethargic and normal as ever. i can't do that with anyone else. there's bonds between us that aren't tangible because they're not built on anything dramatic or huge. running in the mornings. motivation. puppies. cleaning up poop. going to the mess. sunday pamper sessions. yelling at bank managers. skinny jeans. a bit of music. you and me, we're founded on the normal. but its a foundation that underlies everything i do.

c - you're not a v person. i don't know how that happened. but bloody hell, i'm not letting you go. you're the person i count on most. i've complained that sometimes i feel like i'm on a pedestal and i'm so afraid of falling. i've shouted at you that i'm only human, so give me a break already. but to me, you're something above the day-to-day. you're going to blaze a trail through life and people will watch in wonder. because you are truly amazing. talented beyond words. singer. writer. painter. poet. philosopher. activist. dreamer. idealist. cynic. the one who solves my problems. the one who listens to me whine. the one who keeps me in line. the one who sees the worst in me and isn't afraid to say it. the one i know loves me unconditionally despite being able to see all that. ours is a funny friendship (is that even the word?), built on something that isn't quite logical. the power you have when it comes to me is astonishing; even i don't really understand it. you can make me doubt myself. you can make me cry where no one else can. you can make me, the person who doesn't believe in anger, furious. furious to the point of screaming 'fuck you' and storming away, leaving you standing in the middle of the road. you can make me feel like a complete idiot. but you also make me feel beautiful and treasured. like someone special, luminous. somehow, somewhere, you believe in me. smiling at you makes me feel happy. and when i smile at you, it is always real. don't forget.

v - you're a little four-legged critter that came as a complete surprise entry into my life. you're a little nightmare. you exhaust me. you frustrate me. you've shown me that i have stunning amounts of patience because no matter what you do, i can never be mad at you. i've cried for you. i've bled for you. i'm full of holes (and no, they are not pores). i'm full of love. i love you so much - you're my little munchkin pot. and now you're family.

v - i almost don't know what to say. what you are to me is everything perfect and inexplicable and right all rolled into one. beyond any expectations i ever had of anything in my life. cinematic razor sharp. you light everything up - being with you, talking to you, it feels like home. i know this isn't a masculine term (so forgive me in advance) but to me, you're beautiful. i think everything about you, everything you are, is beautiful. i never thought i'd say this to anyone, any boy or any man, but - i'm yours. you can have everything i am. because i want to share it with you. because i want to set the world on fire with you.

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all of you make me who i am. you're the ones i love.

just a ride...

i'm goin to dash off a post while i still can...in between the cleaning of the room (which is just a giant excuse to listen to music really loudly, dance around and sing at the top of my lungs) and univ starting tomorrow...so therefore i'm going to cheat. slightly readymade post, like one of those instant mix cakes or cookies...i'm not starting from scratch - i'm goin to quote a song which seems appropriate for how i'm feeling right now.

"Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out then BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course

and then you
Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me

Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride... "

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i'm not sure whats going on. this is a place i have never been, or at least something i haven't even come close to in years...

its amazing, horrifying, scary, wonderfully exciting...a roller coaster ride...complete with butterflies in your stomach.

and i really don't know what to think. for the first time in a long time...

in other news, someone sat on top of me on the train. then i sat on a suitcase for hours. it was cold. my ipod died. i slept clutching Happy. fell off the suitcase in my sleep a couple of times. at which point some nice military guys gave me another suitcase. and a shawl. adventure all the way. =)

also, we apparently now are going to a five star resort for our education rather than a national law university...as if amazing single rooms weren't enough, we now have 7 places in/right outside campus catering to our culinary desires...including outdoor tandoori cooking, gazebos, flowers, 2 caterers in the mess (with food that is even better than before - and it was already pretty damn good), and a tuck shop with 10pm-8am food delivery in hostel =) no more hungry running up and down the halls askin for food...

v (yes, one of the "v" people in my life, no points for guessing who) just got in touch...that was very very random. and well..okay. don't know what to think. don't particularily care it appears. there are no hard feelings left because there never were many strong feelings there in the first place...

doll will be here in 10 minutes!!! =)

here's to that! cheers....

--------edit---------

dec.27

i've been thinking. and i know what i think now. its one of those things that are inexplicably amazing - you've just gotta accept whatever it is and let it be. what is, is. be happy...coz i'm happy. =)

the trippy hippy

i'm staring at the title of this post, because thats all that inspiration saw fit to give me. i have absolutely no idea what to write after that...but i guess it'll work its way in if it was meant to be. how bout i start writing and see where this goes...

you know sometimes life seems to be this paradox - a slow rush. you feel each moment, you live each minute, and you know it...but in great dollops you look back and wonder how you rushed through all that existing.

sometimes in those stretches of time that seem to have passed by so quickly, it feels like you haven't done justice to the one task you're supposed to be carrying out decently properly - living. i mean you figure you have a leg up already considering you're alive, breathing, and all that good stuff...but living properly, doing justice to the fact that each moment exists, well thats apparently way harder than it seems. go figure.

so i guess this is a shout out to me...yay, i'm now blogging to myself as myself...well 'trippy hippy' it is...i guess thats me...you'll get the uncombed hair, barefeet, flower power 'hippy' part in a bit...but the 'trippy' needed a little bit of crazy to be chucked into the mix and here it is...a letter to me, from me.

here is what i have to say...

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meghana,

you and i should get in touch more. i need to tell you all the things we should do. see there's a long list regarding this whole reconnection deal...i know that university and all those crazy hours and classes and work and six day weeks make it hard, but suck it up. this is you. you're almost done being a teenager. there will never be another day in your life where you can say today is december 18, 2007. ever. think about that. so get on with living already.

i miss wearing tons of black eyeliner and and the freedom to have perpetually uncombed hair (i don't own a comb...i lost my last one years ago). i miss walking around in my barefeet on the grass and down the road, through the acad block...i miss kicking at things (usually walls, not people - however tempting the latter may be) with my ratty, dirty, converse sneaks (the ones with holes and scribbles and writing and the shoelaces with stars on them that make me so happy =))...i want us to have multicolored nails again because having to stare at one color on your hand for days is just way too boring...we love the faded jeans, t-shirts, and dangly earrings, remember? don't forget!

i miss being one with rosita (my acoustic guitar) and i especially miss rubbing that sticker that says "mean people suck" (because damn right they do) for good luck...i want to sing all day long and write down the music in my head...that feeling when the words and the notes and the chords just flow out of you - isn't that just something? indescribable, thats what.

you know, i hate that its winter and i can't pluck a flower and stick it in my hair and that the skies are gray with clouds and i can't feel the sunshine on my face...we should go to the roof of the building and smile up at the sky more often...spinning around, dancing and laughing up there is almost like flying. it feels free and beautiful. makes me want to capture the moment and tuck it away in a little glass bottle and pull it out on rainy dreary days.

i want the time to wander around the city with the camera, taking pictures at random; the time to think through angles and framing and lighting and take the perfect shot...the time to sit in a corner next to the heater, wrapped in a blanket, sipping hot chocolate and writing down random thoughts and lines that'll hopefully one day shape themeselves into poetry, lyrics, stories...i wish we had the time to sit cross-legged on bed and cut up magazines and make collages like we made those ones hanging on the wall...wish we had the time to paint and draw and sketch...its so crazy, that its always about the damned time.

you know, i get the feeling we should dust off those books you haven't read in a while and reread them...like plato and hobbes and voltaire and shakespeare...they used to be your favorites, isn't that right? what about your lists and scrapbooks - things to do, places to visit, people to meet...when was the last time you added something to them? when was the last time you played bridge or spades or hearts or capitalism or spit or speed or egyptian ratscrew (and no, i still have no idea why its called that..seriously, god only knows)? hmm?

nope. no whining and telling me there's no time. there's always time. find it. its there...keeps going on and on in fact. for eternity. there's an endless supply of it. you're smart. you're enterprising. get your hands on some.

you know that other day when i locked myself in a room, turned off the lights, turned up the music, lost ourselves in it, and you danced in my barefeet until we dropped? that was just great. we should do that a lot more. you know i hear music in my head all the time. and i know you want to dance to the music. so let's dance. dance dance dance.

don't forget to live that life you seem to love living (judging by all that smiling and laughing you do when you're actually doing what you want to)...a life full of strawberries, chocolate, green apples, friends, smiles, music, dancing, pragmatism, creativity, silver, lace, lanterns, and giant one-legged stuffed teddy bears called Happy. its yours, you lucky twit. fight for it. hold on to it. don't bloody let it go.

yeah yeah, hugs n kisses. xoxo.

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